The Tiger Mom story hit many nerves last year, even making the cover of Time magazine. While “Mom” believes she has pushed her children to fully realize their potential, parents around the country thought her heavy-handed approach was tantamount to child abuse.
Her children may be thriving, but many students feel overwhelmed by parental expectations. The film, “Race to Nowhere,” showed middle school students suffering stomach pain and headaches. High school students resorted to cheating, took stimulant medication, developed eating disorders and even committed suicide in response to extreme stress. Some students felt overwhelmed by the never-ending homework and the fear of not getting into college.
Some parents believe that the best way to protect their children is to do everything for them. In fact, some women have left careers to manage their children’s college admission process, and if that becomes your occupation, it would be very tough to take a hands-off approach.
Well-intentioned parents may not realize that their efforts to help can actually hurt their child’s application. An admissions officer recently shared a story about a phone call to schedule an interview. A mother made the call to set up the meeting, which is not unusual, since students have school and extracurricular activities that make it difficult to call an admissions office during the day. At the end of the call, the admissions officer said she looked forward to meeting the student, and the mother responded, “Oh, does he need to be there?”
The signature page of the Common Application includes a statement that all of the
application has been completed by the student. So if you, the parent, actually do the work, you are making your child a liar. Then there is always the possibility that admissions officers will suspect that the student did not complete the application, and that certainly does not help the student’s prospects for admission.
The consequences of too much help go beyond the admissions process. Since she will need to manage her life when she goes off to college, allowing a child to own her college application process will prepare her for life at college. It’s challenging for all students to leave home and adjust to college. But the students who have learned to keep track of deadlines for classes, managed their time well without constant prodding, and have developed a sense of responsibility have a huge advantage. Students who have had their parents take care of everything are more likely to be overwhelmed and lack confidence. They haven’t learned to deal with setbacks if Mom and Dad always step in to solve problems. They lack the resilience we all need to navigate both college and life.
The college admission process can be stressful, but it is also a wonderful learning opportunity. Students who think about what they want in a college, do the research to identify the schools that will meet their needs, make the phone calls to arrange interviews or ask questions, and prepare their own applications will feel confident about their ability to succeed in college. Because they are driving the process, and are truly invested in it, they tend to be happier with their college options. They make truly informed decisions. They arrive on campus with the skills they need to be successful. And isn’t that our goal?
